Strange Dreams

Last night was the second night in a row I dreamt I gave birth to Lily. The night before, I dreamt that I had given birth naturally. I remember feeling these contractions, which felt like really bad cramps, and I just kept pushing and pushing and out she came. Though the next scene in my dream, she was about 1 and had a ton of hair, big round brown eyes, and she looked Mexican.

Last night, I dreamt that I gave birth to Lily and she was already 2 years old. I breast fed her and she took to my nipple right away. It was easier than I had imagined. She was also talking up a storm and using big words and I remember feeling very impressed with her language skills. She looked like she stuck her hand in an electric outlet - her hair was about 3 inches long and standing up on all ends. She, again, looked Mexican.

I'm sure there are more of these to come. They're quite fun.

Not Much To Report

I don't have much to report about Lily. I had a routine doctor's appointment on Monday, and Dr. B said everything still looks great. Got to briefly see her alien face but she was moving around too much to get a good picture. Oh, I've already gained 20 lbs. (Holy crap!!!) She said not to worry, that I'm doing fine, but it's still a bit disturbing to see the scale being tipped so much. I'm officially 5 1/2 months pregnant. Time seems to be going by so slowly...I just want to meet her already. I had a brief conversation with Dr. B about how I'll be giving birth, as I really want to try to do it naturally without an epidural. I know, it sounds a bit nuts, but it doesn't hurt (actually it does) to try. I feel like I have a high tolerance for pain, but then again, I've never given birth before so I don't think I really know what pain is. My hospital, St. Luke's Roosevelt, has a fantastic Birthing Center, but unfortunately, being high-risk, I won't be giving birth there. Though she assured me that the 12th & 14th floors are just as good. I believe her. I'm planning on signing up for a few classes that the hospital is offering: lamaze, hypnobirthing, infant CPR, etc. I'll let you know how that goes.

Congratulations to Jill & Michael

A good friend of mine, Jill, whom I grew up with, gave birth to a beautiful girl named Jordyn Emily on Thursday, July 19th. Jill was the girl whose "non-baby-baby shower" I went to about a month ago. Looking forward to seeing pics.

Go Back To Basics

I am utterly exhausted. My flight was delayed so I got home at 2am Wednesday night. The trip to my stores was successful and a great experience. I think that will be the last time I fly on an airplane for a while. Though I gave myself 2 injections of Lovenox the day I flew, yesterday I had a dull pain in my right groin. I'm hoping it was just the weather. Sometimes when it rains or when it's cloudy, I feel as though the area where I had the operation and my legs seem a bit achy. Today, the ache is gone.

Lily is moving around A LOT. She moves when I'm hungry and when I'm full. I really enjoy feeling her inside me, as it makes this fat stage in my life more bearable, but I have to admit, that sometimes, when she continuously moves around, I feel a bit nauseous and grossed out. This goes back to the "not thinking about this situation too much" cuz it kinda feels like an alien is growing inside me.

A friend at work forwarded me Steve Job's commencement speech he gave at Stanford University on June 12th. It's really inspiring and made me think of my life and what I have and haven't done with it yet. All in all, what I got out of reading this is to "go back to basics" in life. Remember the simple things. What did you love doing as a child? What were your favorite hobbies? Rediscover them. I know I will now. Everything else will seemingly just fall into place. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have:

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Heading West With Lily

Its 3:30am and I have a car picking me up in an hour. I'm flying to San Francisco this morning to visit my stores on the West Coast. I'll be gone til Wednesday night so I probably won't post anything until late next week. I'm hitting LA at the tail end of my trip and will be able to see some old pals of mine. Doctor's ok'd the trip and I'm very much looking forward to it.

James and I have already decided on a name for our little girl: Lily Nobuyo Townsend. Lily, because I've always loved that name and it also happens to be the name of James' great aunt, who passed away a few years ago. She was actually the first relative of James' I've ever met. She was the angel who let us sublet her apartment on 30th & 3rd back in 1999 for a mere $760! And it was a real one bedroom with a view. I cringe when I think of the amount of $ we could've saved had we not moved to LA. But we had an amazing run with it and it was our time to move on. Nobuyo happens to be my mom's name (who is my ultimate hero) and my middle name, too. It means "faith" in Japanese. I think it's beautiful. Growing up, I hated it (especially when every other girl had a simple name like "Ann" or "Sue" or "Lenore" (sorry Heather...), and I was trying to fit in in a mainly Caucasian neighborhood. But I grew to love it (and my differences) and so will Lily.

Gotta run.

I'm Such A Pig

Confession: I consumed a whole frozen pizza by myself last night. After 10:30pm. And I STILL woke up hungry. Mind you, I didn't feel so bad afterwards because it WAS organic, made w/ a wheat crust and there was spinach on top. And, though it says "pie", it's really 2 slices in my eye...

I read this quote today on Dear Abby that I have to share with you:

The object of life is not to be "happy." The object of life is to make society a better place in which to live. Every one of us has something to offer. In the words of G.B. Stern: "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."

More later.

I Felt Her Move!

It finally happened. I was at our friend Louis' house in Hampton Bays, laying in bed next to a shirtless Donovan, watching Duran Duran sing "Girls On Film" (they STILL have it going on!) at the Live Earth concert on Saturday night, when all of a sudden, my index finger, which was laying on my lower belly, moved up and down. James was somewhere out by the pool, probably (and rightfully so) enjoying his 4th martini of the evening. It was AMAZING to feel her. The feeling was definitely familiar - but I now recognize that movement as her shifting around, and not gas bubbles. Now, I feel her move all the time. She's very active.I feel like it's real now. This isn't a dream. She's really growing inside me. THERE'S SOMETHING GROWING INSIDE ME!!!! I have to admit that I can't really think about it too much, because I kinda get grossed out at times. But it is an incredible feeling to know that I've helped create that special THING...a HUMAN...that is now housed in my body. This is all too weird at times.

Yesterday, I had my anatomy scan. This was "The Big Scan" that all expectant mothers look forward to. It's a detailed ultrasound of all the body parts and organs to make sure everything is there, growing normally. Aren't the pictures unbelievable? The first 3 are 3-D and the last 2 are 4-D. Look at her sucking her thumb! And the last picture, she's posing, hand by head, with a smile. Crazy. I'm on schedule. Due November 27th. She's 12 oz now.

The Hamptons was incredibly relaxing. Louis has this cute yellow 1 bedroom house equipped with a greenhouse, a love shack, and a pool. There were 2 other guests, but James and I were fortunate enough to occupy the love shack. I ate like a pig and fully enjoyed every minute of it. Bloated belly? Hell no - I'm pregnant! I was a bit self-conscious in my bikini but I got over it quickly. I did like my new rack and showing off my slight cleavage. I kid you not, I went up a whole cup size- a "B", which is big for Jenny. Cleavage shots to come...

The heat is killing me. I usually like the heat and humidity and can tolerate it very easily, however, being pregnant is quite a task in this weather.

Another belly shot taken yesterday. It doesn't look as though I've grown much since last week, but it sure does feel that way.

Hampton Bays

I'm off to the Hamptons this weekend, leaving tonight so I probably won't post anything until Monday. It'll be the first time I'll attempt a bikini in my newfound figure. Should be interesting.

Happy 4th

Hope everyone had a good 4th of July, despite the shitty weather. At least we got a day off work to break up the week. I woke up super late yesterday morning - 10am; James woke up even later - 11am. I don't think we've done that since high school. It was really nice to be able to sleep in, though I know not get used to it. Anyway, Sian's parents came into town from CT and we hit Far Rockaway Beach, near JFK Airport, just for kicks. Though it was the windiest beach I've ever been on, and it was a bit drizzly and gloomy, it was actually very enjoyable to go for a nice, long walk along the shoreline. I got my exercise in and felt good...since I did indulge in a quarter pounder w/ cheese and fries from McDonald's just before I left. After the walk, we went back to Sian's apartment in Carrol Gardens and turned up the grill. James wasn't with me all day and he made a small fuss about me leaving him all day and "taking the baby with me" ("it's supposed to be a FAMILY DAY today, isn't it?!!"), so I decided to meet up with him to check out the fireworks. I found James, Felipe, and his girlfriend, Judy, watching a movie when I got home. We walked over to the Promenade, with umbrellas in hand, and followed the mob of people walking towards the East River. There were cops everywhere and they were checking everyone's bags before entering the Promenade. James had a couple of cans of fun with him and he brilliantly hid them in the spokes of the umbrella. I thought...THIS is why I married this man - he's soooo fucking clever! I only wish I was able to partake in this juvenile behavior of sneaking in sips of beer, knowing we were being naughty at the ripe, young age of 31. The fireworks were spectacular. I forgot how much I enjoyed watching them. And I couldn't help but imagine how much more amazing they would be had I ingested a couple of magic mushrooms.

This morning, I was an ass and didn't eat breakfast at home. Instead, I was going to follow my regular routine of getting breakfast on the way to work and eating while at my desk. I transferred to the C train at Jay Street and noticed that the subway was empty, except all the seats were filled. So there I was, standing by the subway doors, reading Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis, and all of a sudden, I started to feel light-headed. Then I started to slowly black out. I was so scared I quickly squatted and put my head down. (I must've looked so peculiar to everyone around me but I didn't care.) I was so afraid I was going to be the one to hold up the subway "because there is a sick passenger on board." But squatting saved me. So I stayed squatting, sweating PROFUSELY, and I was pretending to read because I didn't want to cause a scene, all the while dripping salty sweat from my forehead and nose onto the pages of my book. Lovely. The next stop emptied out the seats and I took one quietly. I really learned my lesson and I will always eat something before I leave my apartment in the morning. I will also always carry with me a bottle of water and some protein bars. I hope that never happens to me again.

It's Definitely A Girl

I had my doctor's appointment today during lunch and she's confirmed that I am indeed having a girl! See crazy pics. The spine shot is so amazing but the face shot is pretty scary, huh? This makes it all the more real for me. Now the fun part sets in - I can try to picture what she is going to look like, how she might act, what she'll like and dislike, etc. I'm not really a girly-girl, so I don't plan on painting the nursery pink or dressing her up in pink all the time. In fact, I actually do not like the color pink at all. So we'll have to go with neutrals. Even blue. I hate "rules" anyway.











This past weekend, James and I went to my cousin Chieun's house in East Haddom, CT. It is soooo peaceful out there, by the Connecticut River. There was no internet and no cell phone. Just air rifle shooting - the perfect pastime to break the unyielding silence of nature. Pictured is Luca, her 8 month old son. His eyes are amazing - they're like steel blue. (I've never seen a half-Asian baby w/ blue eyes before.) He's teething at the moment so he's a bit cranky-pants, but he's still pretty easily entertained. I don't think I've ever spent that much time with a baby. Chieun's truly giving us the lowdown on what it's like to be a parent. And it's really setting in for me...this whole parent role. I'm really excited to take on this new challenge, but at the same time, I sometimes feel scared shitless that I'm not going to "do the right thing." I suppose it will all just happen and I'll jump into that role and just do it - be right or wrong. The whole thing is just a learning process for both of us anyway. Who knows what will happen. I just know it'll be fine, though.


See new belly shot. I've gained 2 more pounds since my last visit (it just keeps going up and up!). We went to the Farmer's Market in CT and I was waiting on line for some fresh lemonade (when was the last time you said that?!) and all of a sudden, I started to black out. I had to step out of line and sit in the shade and put my head between my knees. I was sweating like a pig and felt really nauseous. I brought this up to my doctor today and she said that things like that could happen now that I'm pregnant. The baby will suck the life out of me. She also said I've got to make sure to EAT and drink plenty of fluids, especially if I'm going to be out in the sun. I did only eat 2 pieces of toast for breakfast that morning, so I'm reading her consultation as follows: You are allowed to eat a sausage, egg and cheese w/ a side of hash browns for breakfast. Thank you, Dr. Brustman. I really do love you.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

I'm too exhausted to write any details now, but we're 90% certain that it's a GIRL!!!! More on this later, but I cannot begin to express how excited we are.